Original Vietnamese title: “Thực tập thế nào khi thấy trống trải trong lòng – Trích Pháp thoại Sư Ông Làng Mai ngày 2&5/02/2012”

Talk given: February 02 & 05, 2012, Plum Village France

Originally posted by: TCT Phượng Trần (Sakura-Lotus Sangha), https://youtu.be/_fF_jifkGpg

Length: 22 minutes 24 seconds

This 22-minute video combines excerpts from two Dharma talks given by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh on February 02 and 05, 2012 in Plum Village France.

---

Transcript

Among us, anyone could have this feeling of emptiness, solitary, or loneliness. And we need love. We need someone who loves us so we feel less cold inside, less lonely inside, less empty inside. And we need the other person to be there for us so we feel less empty inside. We have a void — a vacuum, inside. And we cannot handle that void, that vacuum. And we want to find someone and shove them into that space to fill it up.

Sometimes they let us shove them into that space and let them lose their freedom. And if the other person doesn’t let us do that, and doesn’t want to sit in that vacuum, we get mad at them. We say, “That person doesn’t love me.” We just want that person… We just want to seize them and shove them into this void inside us so we can feel less lonely. And that person loses their freedom.

We just want that person to be a shadow of ours. Our shadow. That person loses their freedom. But if that person doesn’t let us do that, we get mad at them. We punish that person. We say, “You don’t love me!” That’s not love.

First off, we have to learn to handle this inner void, this barren emptiness, this vacuum inside us. But how can we do that? How can we handle this emptiness — what we call ‘loneliness,’ deep down inside us?

The last time, we’ve already been told the story of a river. The story of a river which spends all its time chasing clouds in the sky. One cloud after another. Clouds by nature are impermanent. They’re here now but by the afternoon, they will be long gone. And we cry, we’re in distress. We spend all day chasing and grasping clouds. It feels this emptiness inside. The river feels there’s emptiness inside. And it wants to seize onto the clouds. And this seizing game takes quite a while. Barely is it done chasing one cloud when it chases another. And it never feels satisfied or fulfilled.

Meanwhile, the river has no idea it is the clouds. If it comes back to itself, it will see that it’s all clouds. And that insight will allow the river to no longer feel lonely and empty. What you have been looking for, you already have it. What you want to be, you are already it.

But that can only be done with mindfulness, concentration, and insight. And when you sit and follow your breath, seeing that deep down inside, you’ve already had all you need; that you’ve already had everything you need — the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha, basically everything you need; that there’s a strong aspiration, there’s bodhicitta — your beginner’s mind, you will feel fulfilled. Complet (Complete.) La plénitude (Fulfillment.) You’ll no longer want to run after anything. And that can be done with mindfulness, concentration, and insight.

• Mindfulness means the ability to be aware of all the marvels that are there in the present moment.
• Concentration means being able to preserve and maintain that awareness over a long period of time.
• And insight means the kind of view that makes us overcome all anxieties, sorrows, pains, fears, the feelings of emptiness, and worries.

As a mindfulness practitioner, we should learn to make good use of those energies.

If we don’t feel peace, the sense of contentment, if we don’t feel fulfilled and satisfied when taking footsteps like that, we don’t have anything to dedicate to anyone. And for that reason, when there’s this feeling of emptiness inside, we can’t handle it. We keep searching for someone to be an object that is to be shoved into this inner vacuum of ours. That’s not love. That’s not true love. That’s the desire to possess, to use the other like our object. And that is not true love. True love is dedication.

And before we can dedicate something to someone, we have to know how to dedicate to ourselves. We have to offer ourselves a little bit of freshness. We have to offer ourselves a little bit of joy. We have to offer ourselves a little bit of peace. We have to offer ourselves a little bit of leisureliness, ease, and freedom. And that can totally be done with the daily practices that we learn to do here.

And if we really want to practice mindfulness, one day proves to be enough to observe good progress, not to mention many days. One hour proves to be enough to make a difference. That is called “getting down to practice.” Practice with real determination. But this practice is not hard labor. It can be very pleasant. If we don’t have stability and solidity, if we have fear inside, we should use this practice of being present for ourselves. Of having enough mindfulness. We establish mindfulness while walking, standing, lying down, and sitting, to have this energy to recognize and embrace this feeling of emptiness, anxiety, and fear inside, so we can have a bit of stability and solidity.

The last time, we talked about the feeling of emptiness inside. And each of us often goes and searches for some object in order to cover up this emptiness inside. We’re like a pot that hasn’t had a lid. Every person, every pot, is finding a lid to put on top, thinking once the pot is lidded, there’s peace or security. But this is far from the reality. Once it’s lidded, it boils over. It puts out the fire. It leaves a mess.

We have this barren emptiness inside. We also have desires inside. And we also have fears inside. We’re afraid that we… We think that perhaps in this whole wide world, there’ll be no one who can take care of or look after us, or be a source of solace for us. And that’s the kind of love that has been born since we were still a baby.

At the moment when we were just delivered into this world, although we had eyes, we couldn’t use eyes yet. Although we have ears, we couldn’t use ears yet. Although we have two legs and two arms, we couldn’t use two legs and two arms yet. And we were unable to take care of ourselves. Because how can a 3-month-old, or a six-month-old, or a one-year-old take care of themselves? For that reason, the baby feels extremely fearful, extremely empty. If there’s not a mommy or a nanny coming to care for them when they’re hungry or cold, the baby will have no idea how to overcome those difficult times.

The moment we were born, it was already a moment of danger. Giving birth is a matter of life and death, especially in the old days. Therefore, when we grow up, that still persists. It’s the same with everyone — be it a boy or a girl. We feel like a pot unlidded, or uncovered. And we go and look for the lid. And we don’t know the root of it all is from the childhood. And when we’ve found someone, we’re so happy. The pot now has a lid. We feel safe and secure. And that person, the person we’ve just found, has been the object of our search since our birth. Which is a mother or a nanny, or a babysitter, or a father.

Sitting next to our significant other, we think, “Looks good now. We can feel safe now. There’s someone taking care of me now. I have a daddy, a mommy, a nanny now.” So our significant other is just the continuation of our father, mother, or nanny. Nothing more. Once we’ve found one, we feel safe and secure.

But this feeling of safety and security may only last for a few months or a year. And we see that the other person is not a father, a mother, or a nanny. That person, instead of taking care of us, has caused myriad difficulties for us. At that point, we resume our quest of searching for another lid, of searching for another pot cover.

[Touching the bell once]

[Bell]

So the baby in us is still very alive. The fear is still there. And that desire, that expectation, is still there. For that reason, when we feel lonely, solitary, unattended to, that is just the continuation of the desire and the fear that we’ve had since our birth. We have to meditate on this.

We have to use mindfulness, use concentration, and use insight to remind ourselves, “We’re no longer a baby. We’ve already grown up. We’re already an adult now. We can walk on our own. We can breathe on our own. We can cook on our own. We can take good care of ourselves. We no longer need an old nanny. We no longer need a mother. We no longer need a father. We’re good on our own.”

We should remind ourselves like that. Otherwise, we’ll still keep searching for a lid, or a pot cover, as a habit. And if we realize what we call “la plénitude,” or “fulfillment,” feeling satisfied and content, it’s because we practice deeply enough to see this. “I’ve already had everything I need, I don’t need to search for someone, or something anymore.”

For that reason, in our first mantra, “I’m here for you,” “you” here, first of all, means “myself.” Don’t be afraid. If we’re present for ourselves, it means that we’ve already had a lid, we’ve already had a pot cover. However, among us, few can be able to be present for ourselves. We’re incapable of being present for ourselves. We want someone else to be present for us to fill in this barren emptiness inside ourselves. We’re incapable of doing this. We find someone else to do this for us. We go and search for a father. We go and search for a mother. We go and search for a nanny. That’s the truth.

And for that reason, the first insight that’s to be realized is that we don’t need a lid. That we don’t need a pot cover. That we don’t need a nanny. That we don’t need a mommy. Because we’re grown-up now. We’re able to be present for ourselves now. Fact is, we have two very strong legs. We can get lunch on our own. Fact is, we can get water on our own. Fact is, we can work in order to have food, in order to have a place to live and rest. We can take care of ourselves. We don’t need a mother, a nanny, or someone else doing it for us.

That is the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness means to be aware that we’re no longer a baby who is powerless. We’re already a grown adult. And we can take good care of ourselves. For that reason, our practice is to be available for ourselves. We can’t go and search for someone to be available for us, and to take care of us. We have to become a real grown adult.

What’s the point of our being present for ourselves? To take care of ourselves.

First off, we are present. Body and mind get back together. We’re present in order to recognize all the wonders of life that are there in and around us in order to be nourished. We’re able to touch and use those marvelous elements to nourish ourselves. We don’t need someone else taking care of us. That’s the role of mindfulness.

And when we breathe or walk in mindfulness, we bring the mind back to the body. And when body and mind are in perfect oneness, we’re present in the moment, we’re present for ourselves. We are capable of using wonderful elements of life to nourish ourselves, to heal ourselves. We don’t need anyone else. That’s being present for ourselves to nourish ourselves, to take care of ourselves.

Secondly, if it happens that mental formations like sorrow, anxiety, fear manifest, we’re present for ourselves to embrace, to look deeply, and to transform them. We don’t search for or rely on someone else to do this for us. Therefore, the practice is about being present for ourselves. We should be our own pot lid. We have to be the cover of our own pot. And we have to know how to look after ourselves.

Firstly, get in touch and make good use of positive elements to nourish the body and the mind. Secondly, be present in order to recognize the pain, the emotional neediness, the sadness or sorrow, to look deeply into it to find its roots, and to be able to break free from it.

Lying deep in that sadness or sorrow is this original fear and this original desire to have someone taking care and looking after us because we are powerless. When we realize we’re a grown adult, that we’re no longer a powerless baby, all of a sudden, we come to understand the deep nature of the mental formation which is that angst, fear, and desire.

The truth is, if we can’t do this, if we can’t be present for ourselves, if we can’t be able to dissolve the emptiness inside thanks to that presence but instead we go and search for someone else to be an object, and we shove that person into this inner void, it means we search for an outer object to do what we’re incapable of doing inwardly. And if that person can’t do that, we get mad at them, we hate them. And we punish that person. “I bring you in so you take care of me, look after me. But you don’t care about that.”

Because perhaps that person is also incapable of taking care of themselves. When they’re incapable of taking care of themselves, how can they take care of us, look after us? And when we grasp that person and shove them into our inner void, we cannot help them with anything. We make them lose their freedom. And we ourselves don’t have freedom, either. That’s the truth.

For that reason, we have to look very deeply and carefully to see what the true nature of romantic love is.

🌻

---

Recommended readings

---

References

1. Thich Nhat Hanh, 2016 , Fidelity: How to Create a Loving Relationship That Lasts, California, USA: Parallax Press.
2. Thich Nhat Hanh, 2006, A Pebble for Your Pocket: Mindful Stories for Children and Grown-ups, California, USA: Plum Blossom